Seeking My Father

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If the man who raised me
the man who starved me
who was ashamed to acknowledge me as his daughter
and failed me in his brokenness
is not my real father
and God is
then I need to discover the identity of God the Father
and what that means
in terms of who I am

He is the Father of Lights
the Generator of Poetry
He is strong and protective
perceptive of my feminine heart
He has no wish to harm me
He feeds me with the best of all Food
His voice resonates through the quantum fields of my being
He is good
He is the Author of Life
He loves me with a fierce tenderness

And I am His daughter
I come from Him
which means that my worth
and my identity
flow from my true Father

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Advancing, With A Gravitational Pull

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Two planets collided
and when the debris settled
it was revealed that one was destined to become Earth
while the other took up its role as Moon

Past and Present collided

With the Past
like the Moon
forever caught in the gravitational pull of the Present
stark and devoid of life
and yet still able to exert force on emotional tides

The Present
like the Earth
full of vitality and colour and change
breathing and spinning and ever-renewing

The Moon and the Past most readily come into view when times are dark
they speak of history
of battle scars
and of altering perspectives
they are also illuminated with wisdom

The Earth and the Present
are a treasure chest of emerging experiences
a place with kings and queens in disguise
advancing against the edges of what could become

Two planets collided
and an epic story was launched.

Trapped

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It lured her with sparkles
Images of what she could be
Each strand a grandiose promise
Each strand a twisted lie

Without her realizing it
This new terrain strangled itself around her
And before awareness could fully surface
The spider’s poison stung deep

Paralyzed, she dreamed
She dreamed up a magical history
She dreamed she had control

Yet all the while
The spider sucked her life-force from her withering body

People attempted to free her
They tried cutting the webbing away
But she wailed and bellowed
Convinced it was herself that they were severing
So they told her about the dagger in her own pocket
Urged her to save herself
Yet their pleadings barely penetrated
Her heavily covered ears

The hidden truth was
That she fought the part of herself that knew
That knew that the dreams weren’t real
Because if she allowed herself to begin waking up
She would have to come face-to-face with the hideous spider
She would have to fully acknowledge her situation
Something too overwhelming in her weakened state
And so she chose to continue dreaming
And so
She
Chose

false god among us

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it has just about entirely consumed her
sucked most of the skin right off her bones
and is now nibbling on choice organs
impervious to the fact that once it has fully decimated her
it will forever be denied this host

it tried to devour me once, too
but I identified its hideous, distorted face and fought back
while shrieking out warnings to others

I am thrashing and screaming still

yet where I see a monster
she sees a god
and gratefully hands it her flesh
for the privilege of being in its service
and with the sustained hope that one day
it will finally come through on its promise
to make her wholly clean

Non-Linear Aging

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I have never subscribed to the culturally understood
set formula for aging

As a child
I delved into deep thoughts
and intuited patterns and insights
that no one suspected from someone
who appeared to be so young

In my early 20’s
I went on mission trips
where I witnessed up close
some of the horrors that people can inflict upon each other
what they are capable of reducing fellow human beings to
and the first time that I was old
was on those daily
walks from hell

Throughout my 30’s
my health issues flared to advanced degrees
pain, exhaustion, confusion, the symptoms of strokes…
and worst of all
the abandonment and betrayal
of those who were supposed to care
The world rushed on without me
while I seemingly lived through my 90’s
in near-isolation

Now here I am at 44
more connected and yet still feeling
slightly out-of-step with those around me
but I have learned
that in states of wonder
you may slip into agelessness
because spheres of beauty
can exist partially outside of
the sequential observation of time

The Ever-Witness

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they tried to kill my spirit
by targeting my body
so it should not be so strange
that even after all these years
what has been encoded in my body
testifies against
their carefully crafted and fused masks
while my still-thriving spirit
takes notice

Today’s Wisdom

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Embrace your own story
Be the lead character in the utterly dynamic fairytale
you are creating together with the King

Trust yourself
Begin at this point, even if you make mistakes

Don’t apologize for having to cauterize your own wounds
It’s not worth bleeding out
and there is no obligation to justify this
to anyone who opposes it

Dragons are not butterflies
They will not transform
and seeking love, understanding, and truth from them
will only leave you scorched

Honour all the people you once were
living inside of you still
Believe them, enough to stand your ground
They are credible witnesses

When your heart, intellect, and instincts are at odds
with your instincts blocking the paths that the others propose
that means something
Defer to your instincts

Read the language of your body
Protect it
Your body doesn’t lie
Abide by its wisdom

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