Seeking My Father

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If the man who raised me
the man who starved me
who was ashamed to acknowledge me as his daughter
and failed me in his brokenness
is not my real father
and God is
then I need to discover the identity of God the Father
and what that means
in terms of who I am

He is the Father of Lights
the Generator of Poetry
He is strong and protective
perceptive of my feminine heart
He has no wish to harm me
He feeds me with the best of all Food
His voice resonates through the quantum fields of my being
He is good
He is the Author of Life
He loves me with a fierce tenderness

And I am His daughter
I come from Him
which means that my worth
and my identity
flow from my true Father

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Non-Linear Aging

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I have never subscribed to the culturally understood
set formula for aging

As a child
I delved into deep thoughts
and intuited patterns and insights
that no one suspected from someone
who appeared to be so young

In my early 20’s
I went on mission trips
where I witnessed up close
some of the horrors that people can inflict upon each other
what they are capable of reducing fellow human beings to
and the first time that I was old
was on those daily
walks from hell

Throughout my 30’s
my health issues flared to advanced degrees
pain, exhaustion, confusion, the symptoms of strokes…
and worst of all
the abandonment and betrayal
of those who were supposed to care
The world rushed on without me
while I seemingly lived through my 90’s
in near-isolation

Now here I am at 44
more connected and yet still feeling
slightly out-of-step with those around me
but I have learned
that in states of wonder
you may slip into agelessness
because spheres of beauty
can exist partially outside of
the sequential observation of time

The Ever-Witness

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they tried to kill my spirit
by targeting my body
so it should not be so strange
that even after all these years
what has been encoded in my body
testifies against
their carefully crafted and fused masks
while my still-thriving spirit
takes notice

Today’s Wisdom

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Embrace your own story
Be the lead character in the utterly dynamic fairytale
you are creating together with the King

Trust yourself
Begin at this point, even if you make mistakes

Don’t apologize for having to cauterize your own wounds
It’s not worth bleeding out
and there is no obligation to justify this
to anyone who opposes it

Dragons are not butterflies
They will not transform
and seeking love, understanding, and truth from them
will only leave you scorched

Honour all the people you once were
living inside of you still
Believe them, enough to stand your ground
They are credible witnesses

When your heart, intellect, and instincts are at odds
with your instincts blocking the paths that the others propose
that means something
Defer to your instincts

Read the language of your body
Protect it
Your body doesn’t lie
Abide by its wisdom

Disentangling

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If my longing to transform them binds me to them
I must let go of that

If my ache for truth to be acknowledged and justice to prevail binds me to them
I must let go of that

If my self-imposed guilt from legalistic religious interpretations binds me to them
I must let go of that

You can drench it in compassion
You can dismantle culpabilities with personality theories
You can compare it to worse atrocities and judge it to be less lethal

But it is poison
it is poison
it is poison to me

And there is no resolution
There never will be

So regardless of what my family may think
regardless of what society may say
regardless of what the Church may impose
I have to walk away

Because when all is said and done
it is poison
it is poison
it is poison to me

Self-Assurances

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It’s O.K.
I don’t have to keep trying to save them

It’s O.K.
They’re adults and they have made their own decisions

It’s O.K.
I believe the girl I was once was and I will protect her

It’s O.K.
I don’t have to be stuck in analyzing death when there is so much life calling to me

It’s O.K.
I am free to create

It’s O.K.
I am free to give and to embrace and to live passionately from my heart

It’s O.K.
I am free to be me

The Dilemma

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My heart feels compassion for them
My intellect struggles to understand them
My instincts are screaming at me to stay away

And every time my heart or my intellect propose a possible path for moving forward
My instincts rise up and stop them in their tracks

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