Less Than

lessthan1

Seemingly diminished by lack of possessions
Blamed for what I cannot control
I struggle to resist the suffocating blanket
Forcibly draped over me
That feeling of being
Less than

Less than in perfect health
Less than a financial contributor
Less than fertile
Less than a daughter who is cherished

Paradoxically
In spite of the movements outside of me
Inside I am becoming more and more myself
And discovering
A heart bigger than the world
Enlarging with the expanding heavens

In spite of the pain
In spite of the wounds
In spite of the disappointments
Or perhaps because of them
I have recognized that what I achingly need
Points me to the treasures that I am able to give

And because I love
And because I hold the pierced Hand
Of the One Who loves with an Infinite Heart
I can be more than
Any imposed box of condemnation
Which is really too small
And too disfigured
And far too less than
To even have a chance of containing
The woman I truly am

Advertisements

Dance Into the Light

The past few months have been pretty rough.  I am living in a time of uncertainty.  Also, I have witnessed people being outrageously cruel.  This is nearly impossible for me to process.  It has also been bringing up a lot of past trauma.  And it has been zapping much of my creativity.

My husband & I have been borrowing CDs from the library.  The latest one we have borrowed is “Hits” by Phil Collins.  On it is a song I had never heard before:  Dance Into the Light.  I cannot get enough of this song.  It makes me feel so ALIVE.  Here are some of my favourite lines:

“There’ll be no more hiding in the shadows of the Earth

There’ll be no more chains to hold you…

And there are no walls with Freedom…

Come dance with me

C’mon and dance into the Light”

I mean, does that not sound like HEAVEN???  I can just picture Jesus singing these words to me.  I am convinced that Jesus is a lot more fun and romantic than most people imagine Him to be, and I think that Heaven is way cooler than even the most creative people have been able to guess.

Eventually everyone in Heaven will get new bodies.  Well, we must get to use them, right?  I cannot wait to explore galaxies, dance, breathe under water, touch, and be touched.

In Heaven, all broken relationships will be healed.  We will all delight in each other.  I hold onto this thought, especially when I am feeling most hurt.

So, amidst the trials of this present time, I am remembering that there is still Light, and I am remembering to seek it out.  Also, I am taking chances.  I am 40 years old and in poor health, but I took a risk and  discovered that I can do cartwheels again!  This has totally thrilled me.  Sometimes it just takes a little courage to break through walls…  🙂

To Be Welcomed

TO BE WELCOMED

Pro-life
is all about
inclusivity
and
hospitality
where all are welcome

whether
planned or unplanned
male or female
unborn or dying
single or multiples
rich or poor
healthy or ill
mobile or disabled
clever or challenged
exuberant or grieving

this movement
of hearts
touches upon
what we all
so deeply
desire
to be embraced
exactly as we are
in each moment
of our existence
and to be recognized
as wondrous
unrepeatable gifts
messages of love
spoken into the world

Vortex

sucked into the vortex

of swirling insanity

People who I deeply care about have been bullied in their workplaces and in their families.  I have witnessed my loved ones’ self-confidence and sense of who they are become fractured.  Just over a week ago, I realized that I had under-estimated the power that the bullies have been able to wield.  Their actions have had devastating results.

I feel everything intensely.  And, because of my health conditions, I not only feel things in my heart and soul, but also throughout my mind and body.

It has been a constant struggle to hold onto the Light when I feel myself being touched by darkness and confusion.  Like those being bullied, I, too, need to hold onto my sense of self and the codes by which I have chosen to live.

In a previous post, I wrote about a list of words that I mentally go through each morning before I get out of bed.  These words are especially important to me now: fluidity, dancer, creativity, sensual, instinctive, intuitive, inclusivity, fascination, wonder, delight, connection, perception;  perception over judgment.

I cannot stop people from bullying.  I can, however, bring comfort and encouragement to their victims.  And I can choose the values upon which I will base my own actions.

Of Form & Fluidity

Because of my health conditions, on most mornings I wake up feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck.  There can be a long while between waking and when I actually manage to push through the pain and heaviness to get out of bed.  I am blessed to have a spectacular husband.  When time permits, he cuddles with me, and will often massage me and stroke my head.  This makes me feel wrapped up in love and it soothes me enough to lead me to the place where dreams and reality merge into one.  So, what can be one of the most difficult parts of my day often becomes infused with the sweetest of moments.

he fashions himself
like a cup
to receive me

solid

and I
like water
pour into his embrace
arms enclosing me
freeing me
to release my structure
settling to find
the equilibrium
of liquid

communion

spilling into the sensation
of floating on dreams

Where to Look

He leads us

deep into our own hearts

so that we may find

His

 It is natural to look for God in the external world:  places of worship, pilgrimages, shrines, holy sites, rituals, the enactment of traditions, holy books…  And I believe that God is in these places, waiting to be found, waiting to be known…  These journeys and repetitions are important for our human development.  They collectively shape how we view ourselves, how we regard each other, how we interpret creation and our interactions with it, and how we come to understand God and our relationship with this Great Being.

I also believe that God is a Person who is madly, passionately, head-over-heels in-love with us.  And I believe that He is far less constrained than we imagine Him to be.  And what does He desire most?  Our hearts.  That is what He seeks, that is what He aches for, and it is a place where He chooses to live and breathe.  In searching for the Divine outsides of ourselves, I think we often forget that we can find Him within, too.

I have multiple chemical sensitivities.  No churches that I am aware of are willing to go scent-free, so I am no longer able to be there.  I watch daily Mass on TV or on YouTube.  My husband brings me Jesus in the Eucharist.  Each morning I ask Jesus to help me to see Him, especially in the unexpected places.  I play hide-and-seek with Him.  I have found Him in people, in my rabbit’s fuzzy face, in colours, in chaos (hey — Jesus was born in a barn/stable — He is quite at-home in the messiness of our lives), in sunlight glinting off snow, in the way my husband looks at me… I have also found Him united deeply with me in my own heart.

Whenever I receive Jesus in the Eucharist, I think: “I can’t go to Jesus, so He comes to me”.  I also feel:  “You Who spin galaxies have come to me in such an intimate way…on my tongue…Heart beating…uniting Yourself with me, as I am, right in this moment…”

I think that the reason we often don’t take the time to search for God in our own hearts is because it doesn’t seem obvious.  We are used to looking outward.  God has to be very gentle with us so that we are not overwhelmed by the brilliance and enormity of who He is.  Also, I think that if He made His presence really obvious, we couldn’t help but love Him, and that would infringe on our free will.  Love cannot be real if it is forced.

He is a Man in-Love

leaping across chasms

ablaze in colours

cloaked in gentleness

hiding in plain sight

taking up residence

in the tabernacles of our hearts