What I Wish I Could Tell Members of the Church

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Don’t keep me at arm’s length
with your stoic language
especially at the moment of deepest intimacy
the Communion of hearts and souls and bodies
Don’t force me away
with your incense and perfumed alcohol and chemicals
stealing the life-breath from my aching lungs
Don’t try to put me into boxes and then discard me
when I bleed out from the confines or simply do not fit
like the boxes you construct for God
Don’t give me your coldness or ignore me or argue me away
because my neediness and imperfections
threaten your perfectly calculated comfort zones

Instead

See me
Show me Jesus
That’s all I really want
Show me His Light
Show me that He cares
Show me that He can laugh with me and cry with me and feel my agony and delight
Help me
there is so much that I cannot do on my own
and so much that requires such colossal efforts on my part
you have the power to lift my burdens
Meet me outside
where I am standing looking in
Smash those boxes
release your humanity
release the Spirit
See Jesus in me
and let me engage with Jesus in you

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Active & Receptive Creativity

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A musician
draws forth from within himself
gives expression
through sound
and engages with what he has manifested

I recognize beauty
draw it into myself
allow it to take up residence in my heart
and engage with it

The musician and I
participate in
the breathing of creativity
its inhaling
its exhaling
wonder inside of us
wonder all around us
growing
by allowing it to grow

Resisting the Vortex

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Over and over again
they invite me to join them in the swirling vortex
to willingly be immersed in the dance
that would remove pieces and pieces of myself
as I struggle to make sense of something that is always shifting
always distorting
always being renamed what it is not
continuously contrary to what I know to be
in the stillness of my heart

And they cast their labels upon me
labels of their own projections
an inverted seduction
to draw me closer to the poison vortex
to make me think that I could maybe make a difference
if I would only speak their language
engage them according to their ever-mutating rules

But it is insanity
and I won’t play the game
I won’t succumb to the twisted guilt
or the rash impulse to leap
to sacrifice myself
in a vain all-or-nothing hope
that my love and intensity and everything that I am
could dispel the motion
could bring calm and clarity and healing
to a toxic storm that has been raging for generations

It would swallow me whole

There is no answer
I cannot make it stop
and even my resolved disengagement
rips at my heart
for I can still see the vortex shredding lives
as it is continually fed
by its ardent adorers

I will not play the game
I will not play the game
and even though I cannot stop my own pain
I will tell the truth
I will pour out my love to those who will accept it
I will nurture my own creativity
I will embrace wonder and stand in awe
of the endless beauty that breathes
pulsates
and calls to me
outside of the swirling vortex