sucked into the vortex

of swirling insanity

People who I deeply care about have been bullied in their workplaces and in their families.  I have witnessed my loved ones’ self-confidence and sense of who they are become fractured.  Just over a week ago, I realized that I had under-estimated the power that the bullies have been able to wield.  Their actions have had devastating results.

I feel everything intensely.  And, because of my health conditions, I not only feel things in my heart and soul, but also throughout my mind and body.

It has been a constant struggle to hold onto the Light when I feel myself being touched by darkness and confusion.  Like those being bullied, I, too, need to hold onto my sense of self and the codes by which I have chosen to live.

In a previous post, I wrote about a list of words that I mentally go through each morning before I get out of bed.  These words are especially important to me now: fluidity, dancer, creativity, sensual, instinctive, intuitive, inclusivity, fascination, wonder, delight, connection, perception;  perception over judgment.

I cannot stop people from bullying.  I can, however, bring comfort and encouragement to their victims.  And I can choose the values upon which I will base my own actions.


In the Waves of Sound & Colour

I like to imagine
that the northern lights
are tonal
with each
subtle hue
and draping wave
distinctive vibrations
pulsing through
the great expanse
reverent spectators
with the orchestra
of angels

John of the Beloved

St. John the Apostle has always been my favourite of the Twelve.  He had enough cockiness for Jesus to playfully nickname him ‘Son of Thunder’;  he was the only one of the disciples who had the sensitivity, tenderness, and courage to lay his head on Jesus’ Heart;  and, even though he wrote in prose, his writings have the feel of poetry.  Also, his main focus has been on love, and on how we are all the beloved of God.


Mending nets
with his father and his brother
the sea in his blood
and a sparkle in his eyes
transfixed by
dancing on the water
until a new Light
fills his vision
dimming the background
and what can he do
but follow

His nature
playful as waves
tender as a moonbeam
in the gravitational pull
of the Sun
revealing a rainstorm
of flashes and fury
earning him the title
Son of Thunder
and he could be that
could maintain the uproar
but the Master prefers
the deep ocean
of his soul

to the highest crest
he can almost
touch the sky
to his surprise
stark radiance
eclipsing the blue
with the Law
and the Prophets
into a single Person
the Source
and Summit
of all the questions
in the riptide
of his mind

but something is wrong
the air is stinging
with the salt of pain
the universe
has shifted
on its axis
to find his bearings
he rests his head
on the Heart of his Friend
fully knowing himself to be
the beloved of
the Beloved
floating on the currents
of His radiating affection

And darkness descended

One hour
such a finite
of time
if he could only remember
what he should be
pouring into it
lulled into amnesia
in the boat of sleep
and not even
the glow of the angel
can dissipate
the fog of confusion

spilling himself
in the sloshing turmoil
when a latent pulse
from the Heart-glow
across his soul
a single burst
of recollection
oh God
the Mother
the Mother should know
he must find her

Clasping her
in the circumference
of his arms
his strength
into the grey mist
of utter incomprehension
as his whole World
torn apart
and bleeding out
leaving him
in the outpouring
of the now silent Heart
and not even the Earth
can keep
from trembling

lungs burning
for he must see
yet courage falters
when facing the tomb
he dares not
descend into darkness
fearing it may assert
the final word
but all is safe
and transformed
though clouds remain

with his brothers
in the presence
of the Mother
for parched souls
when suddenly
a rush of sound
an explosion
of flame
blazes over them
courses through them
every teaching
in revelations
across the future

words streaming
as fluidic poetry
nets of allurement
crafting conduits
for rivers of Light
to flow into hearts
catching upwards
into the vision
that each one is
and invited to rest
in perfect
tender intimacy
on the Heart of the Beloved
eternally awash
in undying Love